


Onion Family Adventures

by readergirl101



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: I present to you the first first fic on ao3 to contain the, Tag, and probably the only one, i don't care i want it, mormon onion family
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-12-09 14:24:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20996288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/readergirl101/pseuds/readergirl101
Summary: Vidalia yanked open the doors to the van. “Is Steven here?”Greg jerked awake, half asleep over his guitar. “Steven? No, he’s with the gems-”“Good,” Vidalia said. “Because I’m going to kill Marty.”





	1. Marty is a Jerk

**Author's Note:**

> I know there's like. Maybe ten people who care. But I'm one of them and I'm posting it.

Vidalia yanked open the doors to the van. “Is Steven here?”

Greg jerked awake, half asleep over his guitar. “Steven? No, he’s with the gems-” it was still slightly nerve wracking to leave Steven alone with them, but he had been assured they weren’t taking him anywhere dangerous.

“Good,” Vidalia climbed into the van. “Because I’m going to kill Marty.”

“Oh boy,” Greg set the guitar aside. Vidalia said that at least once a month, the offenses varying in severity. Every once in a while the crime was nothing more than existing. Greg wasn’t sure when the last time she had looked this serious about it was. “What did he do this time?”

Vidalia drummed her fingers on the floor. She couldn’t remember the last time she had been this mad at him. Right now, she was probably on par with the original offense of him getting her pregnant in the first place and flying off into nowhere. “I called him. To try and get him to come to Sour Cream’s baptism.”

“Oh.” Greg stared at her. “Do you… want him there?”

“No,” Vidalia wrinkled her nose. “But Sour Cream does. Says he wants his Dad to be there for it.” She groaned. “How do I get Sour Cream to stop calling him Dad? He’s never gonna call Yellowtail dad and that’s fine, but the most dad-like thing that jerk has ever done in his life was put his dick in me. It wasn’t even good.”

“But Marty can’t like, do any of the stuff right?” Greg asked. Vidalia had explained it a couple weeks ago, and Greg was fairly sure it couldn’t be done by just anyone. 

“No, he can’t. And I wouldn’t want him too.” Vidalia agreed. She groaned, trying to decide if drinking again would be worth it. “You don’t have any weed do you?”

“Vidalia.”

“I’m joking,” Not like either of them had done that in years, they had kids now after all. But right now, not having to care about anything else sounded really nice. “But no, he can’t actually do any of it. And Sour Cream knows that. Yellowtail is doing the baptism and I got our home teacher doing the confirmation.” She ran a hand through her hair. “But the other day Sour Cream started complaining about it. Blew up at Yellowtail. I think there’s one other kid in Sour Cream’s class who isn’t having their dad baptize them.”

“Who did yours?”

“My dad. One of the girls had her grandfather do it. Sour Cream doesn’t even have that because my dad hasn’t talked to me since I came out and now lives in the Floridians.” Vidalia sighed. “And I had thought Sour Cream was fine with Yellowtail doing it. I think one of the other kids must have said something to him.”

“Did you talk to Sour Cream about it?”

“I tried,” Vidalia shook her head. “He locked himself in his room and won’t turn his music off. I’m starting to worry he’s gonna blow his eardrums out one day.”

Greg raised an eyebrow.

“Yellowtail’s home,” Vidalia added. “Don’t worry, I didn’t leave him alone. Any idea how to get an eight year old to stop blasting dubstep at a volume that breaks the sound barrier?”

“I don’t know,” Greg shrugged. “My kid is four.” He leaned back. “When was the last time you saw Marty anyway?

“Couple of years ago,” Vidalia said. “Last time I had to drag him to the child support hearings.”

“He’s still paying, right?”

“Yeah,” she shrugged. “Don’t really need it anymore with Yellowtail around, but I’m not gonna tell him that.”

Greg laughed. “What did Marty say when you called him?”

“Said he’s stuck in Kansas on some- I don’t know, with some record deal thing, and called me a raging B.” Vidalia rolled her eyes. “I know he’s a bum. But Sour Cream is eight and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t.”

“You could try talking to Sour Cream again-”

Vidalia shook her head. “What am I supposed to do Greg? Tell my son he was conceived in a van and that his Dad doesn’t give a single crap about him?” It wasn’t as though Sour Cream was able to avoid the fact that his birth father didn’t care about him, but that wasn’t the same thing as your mother telling you he wasn’t coming to the most important event in you eight year old life. “I’m pretty sure Sour Cream just thinks he’s too busy to visit, not that he doesn’t want to.”

Greg rubbed his head. “Well, you- wait, conceived  _ in  _ the van?”

“Anyway,” Vidalia continued. “That’s why I’m here. I need to borrow your phone.”

“... Why?”

“Because,” Vidalia dumped her cell phone on the floor. “He blocked my number and the house phone. And Yellowtail’s phone. And I’m not done yelling at him. I’m making him come if I have to drag him back to court.”

“Pretty sure that’s not something you can take to court.”

“Can I use your phone or not?”

“First, I’m coming back to the van thing, second, I don’t think calling again is going to help much.”

“I’m this close,” She held her fingers a hairsbreadth apart. “To driving out there and dragging him back myself. Phone. Please.”

Greg sighed and handed his cell phone over.

Greg flinched as Vidalia climbed back in the van, more pissed than ever after a conversation that could have made a gangster blush.

“I thought you weren’t supposed to swear anymore?”

Vidalia tossed him his phone and slumped to the floor. “He deserves it.” She huffed. “He’s not coming. It’s his freaking kid! He should be there, right?!” 

"Marty was never a religious man."

"He should still come."

“If it makes you feel any better, Steven, Amethyst, and I will be there.”

“Thanks,” Vidalia slid down the wall until she was lying on the floor. “Hey, want to drive to Kansas with me tomorrow and murder Marty?”

“No, but I will bail you out of jail. Again.” Greg said. “Now, about the van thing-”


	2. Girls Camp

“I thought you were the- what was it? Young Women’s President?”

“I was,” Vidalia said, setting aside another stack of paper, trying to organize the folders and pages that now covered the kitchen table. “They released me and now I’m the Stake Girls Camp Coordinator.”

Amethyst picked up one of the folders and flipped through it. “Have you ever had a church job that isn’t a massive amount of work?”

“Pretty much never.”

“And you still got this job after that one chick called your house a hotbed of depravity?”

“Oh yeah” Vidalia sighed, tapping her pencil on the table. “She’s been like that ever since Sour Cream came out. But her daughter loves me, and she doesn’t get to decide who runs camp.”

“Lean into the depravity angle,” Amethyst suggested. “Scare her to death by wearing a tank top.”

Vidalia laughed. Peridot picked up a copy of the Ensign that was lying out, then tossed it aside. “What are your plans for your color war?”

“The-” Vidalia looked up. “We… aren’t having a color war.”

“Amethyst told us you were planning a summer camp.” Peridot stated.

“Yes, I am.”

“What is the point of a summer camp without a color war?”

“That’s what they do on Camp Pining Hearts,” Lapis added. “It’s where all the drama comes from.”

Vidalia raised an eyebrow at Amethyst. “I thought you said these two were summer camp experts.”

Amethyst leaned back on her chair legs, grinning. “I said they were  _ self identified  _ summer camp experts.”

“You also said they would be helpful.”

“I said they would want to help you. I never said they would be helpful.”

“I am a summer camp expert!” Peridot defended. “I have watched all nine season of Camp Pining Hearts multiple times!”

“Peridot,” Lapis said. “You didn’t know what summer was until like a year agao.”

“Did you?”

“Yes.”

“Oh.” Peridot frowned. “How?”

“I’m older than you.”

“Well. It is irrelevant!” Peridot slammed her fist into her palm. “If your camp as no color war, then where is the conflict of the camp?! Where is your drama? Your torrid romance?!”

“We’re… I’m glad your excited Peridot, but this camp is really supposed to be a spiritual thing. I don’t want to be pitting the girls against each other.”

“If there is nothing to win, then what is the point of summer camp?” Peridot asked.

“To have fun,” Vidalia explained. “Connect with each other, grow their testimonies.”

Peridot and Lapis stared at her.

“I think a color war sounds better,” Lapis said.

“Yeah!” Amethyst agreed. “Make them battle it out until there’s only one left standing!”

“Amethyst, we are not doing that,” Vidalia picked up another folder. It did sound like it could be a fun idea through. “The stake isn’t very big and I think we have the right number of cabins. It could be fun to give each cabin one of the value colors-”

“I was told you have a group known as ‘beehives’,” Peridot interrupted. She slammed her tablet down on the counter, where it was currently open to the wiki page on bees. “If you provide these ‘beehives’ with actual bees, a flying species I have found to be extremely territorial, they will be unstoppable in the color war!”

“You threw a stick at that nest we found by the Little Homeworld construction site, didn’t you?” Lapis raised an eyebrow, crossing her arms.

“Anyone with the ability to control those creatures will win a battle!” Peridot demanded, “And I was only stung four times!”

“Okay, for the last time, we are not having a color war.” Vidalia insisted. “And we are ot giving  _ anyone _ bees.”

“They will be unstoppable!”

“I’m with P-dot on this, V,” Amethyst grinned. “Bees are definitely the way to go.”

“Peridot, they don’t need to be unstoppable. Amethyst, I repeat that there will be no bees. There is no color war.” Maybe if it was smaller- less focused on winning and more focused on the girls it could work.

Peridot hmmed, looking extremely disappointed. “Then I still fail to see the point of your summer camp.”

“It’s not about fighting each other, or winning a color war. It’s about the girls getting to know themselves, growing spiritually.”

“So… it’s like Steven?” Peridot suggested. “With all of his feelings.”

“Yeah,” Vidalia agreed, deciding the answer came close enough, and not really feeling like trying to explain the concept of god to an alien today. “It’s more like that.”

“So,” Lapis sat down on the counter top. “What happens at a real camp?”

“That’s what I’m trying to plan right now,” Vidalia said. “Some of it’s easy- they have swimming, canoeing-”

“Canoe races!” Peridot shouted.

“That could be fun. There’s going to be a craft station, but I haven't figured out what they’ll be making yet.”

“They make friendship bracelets on Camp Pining Hearts,” Lapis offered.

“That’s not a bad idea,” Vidalia nodded. “But maybe we should think outside the realm of Camp Pining Hearts. I was thinking a shooting range could be fun-”

“Yes!” Peridot cried. “I will analyze their strengths and designs specializes guns for each attending-”

“That- that’s… thank you, Peridot,” Vidalia said. “But I really don’t need you to do that.”

“You should definitely do that,” Amethyst smirked. “It’s the perfect weapons for the color war.”

Peridot shook her head. “You are taking all the fun out of summer camp. How do you expect to get the romantic tension between campers without the aid of the color war?”

“Peridot, I repeat, this is not Camp Pining Hearts,” Vidalia insisted. “We don’t need any romance.”

“Then what is the point of you inviting us to plan your summer camp?”

“I actually didn’t invite you,” Vidalia said. “I invited Amethyst and Amethyst invited you.”

“Come on, V,” Amethyst said. “I really think you should go for the color war of bees plan.”

“Well, it could be fun to have a small one,” Vidalia considered. “If we give each cabin a color and have some challenges they could do. We could have the winners get to do something special during bishops night.”

“Yes!” Peridot shrieked. “Lapis, Amethyst, we will begin composing these challenges immediately!”

“Go ahead,” Vidalia said, wondering what exactly Peridot would come up with. “But you are not allowed to use bees.”


End file.
